Monday, May 23, 2022

Transformation

 Transformation.

A monarch butterfly starts its life as an egg, placed on the underside of a milkweed leaf by an adult female monarch.  The egg, about the size of a sesame seed, is spring green in color but darkens as it matures.  It lingers there for 4 days, protected by the shade of the leaf from the sun and wind, and hopefully predators.  It emerges after 4 days as a caterpillar as tiny as an eyelash.  It's first act of life is to eat the eggshell from where it emerged.   They are voracious eaters, growing from eyelash size to two inches long in a matter of 10 days.   They then transform to a chrysalis, a state they linger in for about 10 days.   Eclosing from chrysalis, they are a fully mature monarch butterfly.   Change is hard.  

I've been watching Noah Thompson as most of us have been here in eastern Kentucky.  The monarch caterpillar doesn't realize transformation is coming, and I expect that Noah could not possibly envision how this TV show would transform him. He has to feel like he's been given the golden ticket, the keys to the city, the magic trip to Disney World.  But he also has to feel at times like he's moved into The Twilight Zone.   Change is occurring rapidly with Noah, I fear.  I wonder how he is handling it all.  Change is hard.

I've been forced into a change that I never wanted, never expected.   I often feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone.  I'm still in the caterpillar stage of transformation, but change is happening. Each day, I learn new things about myself, and I'm finding new ways to cope with grief.  It's not easy.   I hope Noah is able to fly high into the sky, and I also am determined to fly one day.   Change is hard.  

Monday, May 16, 2022

Creating a New Me

 I don't know how I got to where I am, and I don't understand how to get back home.  Back to peace and contentment.  I have become a shell of who I used to be, who I could be, and I gone back to being that scared, terrified little girl who peed on the bed every night.  My anxiety is overrunning who I am.  I miss Don terribly, and I've got to figure out a way to start a new life, a life of peace and contentment.  Don would not want me living my life this way.  I've just taken some new medicine for anxiety and depression.  I hope it works.  I hope it helps me and I can find a way to eat again, and sleep again.  When I get up tomorrow, I'm going to try to be more positive, more hopeful, more alive.  Tonight I'm going to relax and just rest.